Our societies put an outsized emphasis on romance and marriage. There’s a group of individuals within the LGBTQ+ community who are intimately aware of the challenges faced when one does not meet those societal expectations.
Asexuals and aromantics, also known as aces and aros, are people who lack sexual attraction and romantic attraction, respectively. Some asexuals and aromantics willingly choose to stay single because the idea of partnering up just doesn’t appeal to them. However, ace and aro people aren’t alone, as there is an ever-increasing number of people choosing to stay single. Around 15% of Americans are currently opting out of relationships, despite the US government’s efforts to actively encourage more people to marry and start families.
Credit: Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years, Pew Research Center, Washington, D.C. (August 20, 2020)
Flawed Perspectives on Adulthood Milestones
Aro and ace people and those who choose to remain single face scrutiny due to amatonormativity (the societal belief that everyone does and should desire romance) and allonormativity (the societal belief that everyone is and should be interested in sexual activity). This can lead such individuals to be seen and judged as immature due to their failure to live up to social and cultural norms expected of adults. Well-known author JK Rowling’s recent tweets about International Asexuality Day, where she called it “International Fake Oppression Day,” exemplify this discriminatory mindset. Sometimes they are also pathologized, with their orientations dismissed as a mental illness or hormone-related issue instead.
Not Half of a Pair, but a Whole Person
These biases against singles don’t just affect ace or aro people. This mindset ignores and devalues other types of relationships and support systems, such as family and platonic friends, making many people put all the pressure of providing support on the shoulders of one person. Anyone who is or chooses to be single for any reason can find themselves facing stigma and dismissal for their lack of a partner. Widows and widowers are frequently pressured to quickly get back into the dating scene as they are seen as a broken half of a whole rather than a full person still grieving the loss of a spouse. Neurodivergent people are expected to participate in typical romances like everyone else, even when the mold of a relationship doesn’t mesh well with their condition or their mental health needs. If they choose not to, they risk being infantilized and unfairly regarded as incompetent, failed humans.
Single people, non-traditionally married, and non-heterosexual couples face difficulties as, without a doubt, society values traditionally married heterosexual couples above all others. This heteronormative focus and the underlying ableism and ageism mean that those who fall outside of that standard are ridiculed and left behind when people and governments determine who counts as a fully participating member of their communities.
Rethink Perspectives on Going Solo
Amplifying the voices of ace and aro people and making them seen more in media, such as shows like Koisenu Futari, or as Two People Who Can’t Fall in Love, can normalize aro/ace people and singledom as a whole. By addressing this bias and learning about aro/ace people who are happily single or celibate, hopefully, it will provide solace for those who are struggling with societal pressures or relationship and sexuality issues.
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